Allow your child to be responsible for his own feelings. Have the necessary time. Recognize that feelings are often transitory. Often, once a child is able to vent his feelings, they lose their intensity and he is able to move on quickly. It is said that positive feelings cannot come through until negative feelings come out.
After that, your child will be more able to focus on solutions. Let the exchange go only as far as your child wants it to. Do not have some specific result in mind. However, the real goal of active listening is for the speaker to feel heard and have a safe place to vent and talk, and for the relationship between the speaker and listener to be deepened. It is better to be honest that you are too tired to give your child your full attention than to be distracted and have him misinterpret your response as a lack of caring.
I need to rest and then I can listen to you about what happened. Remember that Active Listening to your children is one of the most important gifts you can give them. It can help you create a very special and supportive bond with them in which you both feel a heightened sense of self-esteem and closeness. If you are non-judgmental and accepting of what is on their minds, they will feel more comfortable opening up to you and will have a trustworthy place where they can explore their reactions and feelings.
By becoming a safe haven for your children, they will see you as someone they can turn to in difficult situations, even during the teen years when they could face difficult and complicated life choices. Listening involves paying full attention to what your children have to say.
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It means turning off the running dialog that goes on in your head — the one where you are so busy thinking about all the things you need to do or should be doing or you are so busy thinking of the perfect response to your children that you miss half of what they are saying to you. If you are too busy at the moment to listen, then you can set an appointment with your child to talk at a later time.
You want to communicate to your child that he is important and that you care about his thoughts, feelings, and struggles. Through body language, you can convey to them that you are interested in what they have to say and are willing to take the time to listen. These non-verbal responses can be represented by a ticket to a movie — in which you are watching and listening and attending, but not speaking.
A content listening response reflects back to your children the content of what you heard. This should be a paraphrase and not a parroting, which can be annoying and can sound false. A feeling listening response focuses on the emotions you think your children might be experiencing.
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A caution: While it is important to allow your children to vent and share their feelings, if recounting the story over and over seems to escalate their emotions — rather than help dissipate them — you need to stop the rant. I think you need to take some time to calm down and then we can talk some more. A clarifying listening response takes a much broader or deeper view of the situation your children are facing, offers other possible reactions and identifies potential needs, values, expectations, wishes, and underlying issues. Clarifying Responses can be represented by a calculator which helps someone to process information.
When you use a universal truth listening response with your children, you are offering a broad commentary about the situation that reflects their needs, feelings, or experience. Often these responses are ways to teach your children a principle about life that relates to the situation and their reactions to it. Such statements can give your children food for thought as far as processing the situation and can help them to feel less alone. After all, you are telling your children that others have walked in their shoes and gone before them.
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Making your statement in the third person makes it seem more objective. There are five responses that are healthy and appropriate at certain times, but they are not active listening. As a parent, you want your children to be happy, and the hardest thing to do is listen to their struggles — you want to do something. However, your actions may get in the way. There is definitely a time and place for the following responses; but since they are not Active Listening responses, they will not necessarily help your children to explore a situation and come to their own decisions about how to handle it.
They do not allow your children to vent their feelings; in fact, they can cut off discussions. And they do not necessarily enhance your relationship with your children in the same way that Active Listening can, encouraging closeness, respect and ultimately, independence. By reassuring your children too quickly, you minimize the problem and stop the conversation. You want to tell your children that they are fully capable of handling the situation. But if they are not convinced they can, your reassurance can feel like you are discounting the situation.
It is as if you are saying that whatever the problem is, it is not so bad. It will be all right. After your children have had an opportunity to vent, you can certainly help them to gain perspective, encourage them to find solutions, and remind them of their ability to overcome the obstacles. Because your children are still young, they may lack all of the knowledge or information needed to accurately assess a situation. You may want to fill in the gaps and explain why another person behaved the way he did. While quite useful and important, these explanations fall under the category of teaching — an important part of parenting, but not part of listening.
This form of communication tends to place the focus on the situation, not on your children, their experiences, or their reactions.
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It suggests they consider things at an intellectual level rather than a feeling level. Next time you better watch where you are going. Again, you want your children to be happy. It is uncomfortable to watch them struggle, especially when the solutions to their problems are quite clear to you. Like teaching your children, helping your children find ways to resolve a difficult situation is an important part of parenting. However, if you move into that mode too quickly, your children do not feel heard and usually reject any of your attempts to help.
This form of communication also moves the conversation into an action mode. It denies the importance of venting feelings, sorting them out, and processing. It may tell your children that they are not capable of handling the situation, and that you know best.
The first thing you need to do when a fight is about to start is get away. If you can hold back and really listen first, then your children may become open to your ideas and suggestions. But again, they can only move to the problem solving stage after their emotions have been released and they feel they have been heard.
Sometimes you want your children to know that you have been through the same thing that they are experiencing and that you survived. You want them to know that you understand how they feel.
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It can be hard for your children to shift back to talking about themselves. I was so scared. Your children come in upset and you want to understand what is happening. Frequently the story being recounted is disjointed or is told in such detail that you have difficulty understanding what the problem is. It is tempting to jump in with your own questions to clarify the situation, to speed up the process, or to get to what you believe are the important facts. This form of communication can interrupt the process in several ways: it makes your children accountable to answer your questions; it can change the direction the conversation would have taken if your children were following their own train of thought ; and it makes them move from a feeling mode to a thinking mode, from using their hearts to using their minds.
You can actually learn a lot just by listening to what they do include. You can discover what information they value. Do they talk about feelings or facts? Can they see the big picture or do they get bogged down in the details? There is definitely an important place for each of these five responses, depending on timing, the situation, and the needs of your children. There will be times when:. But remember, when you want your children to talk, when you sense they have strong feelings, the most effective way to help them is to use the skill of Active Listening first. You can employ these other techniques later.